Today’s run started out great. My knee is healing beautifully and today I thought I would push myself a little harder. I set up my UltraTimer app for the following workout:
Warm Up: Walk slowly 5minutes, walk briskly 2 minutes
Run 1 minute, walk 1 minute – repeat 6 times
Walk 2 minutes
Run 1 minute, walk 1 minute – repeat 6 times
Cool down: Walk slowly 5 minutes
Total: 38 minutes
My knee was taking the pounding like a champ. None of the usual sharp pains. “I can do this,” I thought. I made it all the way to the halfway mark, where I let myself take it easy with a 2 minute walk. Right at the moment that Karnivool faded out into Faith No More, a ute drove past and the passenger wound down his window to scream, “Run, you fat fuck!”
I reacted the only way my body knows how to react to being yelled at (thanks to some mild PTSD) – crying. I immediately turned around and wanted to be back under the covers with the cat nuzzled into my armpit. “I’m never running ever again”, “I’m such a fucking idiot, thinking I can run”, “I’m such a dumb, ugly, stupid fucking fuckup, fuck!” and on went the downward spiral of my internal monologue.
It was such a sad fucken sight to behold; me, plodding along in the rain, sobbing to myself, trying to hide my face beneath my hoodie, wanting nothing more than to be wrapped up in my boyfriend’s arms with him stroking my hair, telling me I’m pretty.
The sun is out now and I’m not crying anymore. I’d really like to smash that cunt’s face into the curb. He’s probably laughing at something else now. I wonder if he will, at any point, think about what he said to me, and what impact it might have had on me. I wonder if it even matters. I wonder if he knows that every stranger he taunts has a story and a life, and people that love them.
I really don’t want this to ruin running for me. I don’t want this stranger, whom I will likely never cross paths with ever again, to take my joy away from me. Because it’s mine, and I earned it. I’m going to attempt to finish that run tomorrow, and I know it will be hard. Wondering if the occupants of every car are laughing at me; being afraid every time a song ends, with the sounds of the outside world momentarily flooding my head. I will finish that run. I will, I will, I will. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy is my mantra (as trite as it may be), and I’ll probably scream it at the top of my lungs at any one who dares to cross me.
I’ve had many tools yell out at me while I’m running. I have no idea what’s going through their tiny little brain; it’s like they’re 15 yos trying to impress their mates on the school bus, no thought involved, just wankery.
You would know this already, but I figure I’ll say it anyway – don’t let those losers get to you. It used to bug me as well, random people slinging shit at me. But eventually I realized that what they say matters exactly squat, and they’re just trying to overcompensate for their particularly shit position in life.
What I would recommend is running in a park, preferably a runner’s park. It’s MUCH better for your joints – back when I was running 10km a day (a distant memory now
) I could ONLY do it on grass. Also you’re surrounded by much better scenery and far fewer jerks. Do you go street and park running or just street running?
Anyway just keep chipping away at it, and don’t take anyone’s guff, and you’ll smash it! I used to find running really hard but even now after long breaks I can run 5km if I have to.. it’s all about technique and practice.
Thanks Miles! It seems everyone has at least one “jerk yelling from car” story.
I go street running mostly, but most of the track I run along is pretty far from the road, except for one short stretch, which is where this incident happened. Ches suggested finding a park or something to use instead, so I might try that out for a week or so.
I didn’t know you were a runner!
It looks like there might be some good parks near you, so check ‘em out… hopefully you can find something good.
And yeah, back when I used my Nike Plus to compete with my twin, we were both running 50-60km a week to try and beat each other, it was insane! I really need to go for a run actually
You should come do the 5km or 10km run with me & Sal at the end of November!! I’m only doing the 5km but she’ll probs do the 10k. No better motivation than knowing you have to do a run with people in a few months.
You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman. It’s very brave to get out of your shell and take up a new hobby like running. It puts you at the mercy of other peoples judgment (as you well know) as well as being really mentally demanding. It takes a lot to keep focused and push yourself to get better and to not quit. Taking shit from random jerks yelling out of cars is testing in normal circumstances.
I’m really glad that you’re looking for other places to run, to keep yourself fit and keep your confidence up. I’m finding your blog really inspiring. You don’t seem to let challenges keep you down, while I wait for the first challenge to come along to give me an excuse to give up. I’ve always sucked with physical exercise and mental toughness.
So please keep it up!
God dammit Liana. You say the most amazingest, loveliest things! I have your Christmas card stuck up on my fridge because it was so lovely! *big squishy hugs*